Soccer Secrets from the Dressing Room

The Football (Guess I'll start calling it soccer now, since I'm leaving for the US) World Cup is almost over. All the pre tournament favorites have fallen by the wayside. All the pundits (myself included) have been left embarrassed by their predictions, and are blushing nearly as red as Rooney's punishment. Throughout the tournament I've wondered what it must be like in the dressing rooms of the different teams, and I imagined a few scenarios which might have had all the flies on the walls rolling in the aisles. This is what I think some team talks must have been like...

ENGLAND
Sven: (stifles a yawn) So you boys really want to play this match?
Beckham, Gerrard, Rooney et al in unison: Crikey! Yes Boss!
Sven: OK..David, you're the skipper. Today you decide the line-up and formation. I'll just nip into the showers for a bit. Faria's waiting.
Crouch: Duh,boss..can I play today?
Sven: Sure, whatever big guy. Theo, you come with me and Faria. I didnt bring you all the way here to play football..

BRASIL
Parreira: OK boys here's the plan. We'll attack them from the beginning- I read somewhere that attack is the best..something..cant remember..what was it Mr Zagallo?
Zagallo: Damned if I remember lad, can barely recall my wife's name at this age..
Parreira: Anyways, We are going to score ten goals today. First three from Ronaldo so he gets his record. I want everyone to pass the ball to him. Then Kaka, Ronaldinho, Adriano and Robinho will score one each. Then time for the defenders to get their share. Is that clear boys?
Lucio: But boss, what about the defense? And what if they score?
Parreira: IDIOT! We are Brasil. They CANT score. And since you're so worried about the defense, you are banned from crossing into their half. Lets see how you get your pic in tomorrows news now
Dida: Boss, can I score today? (Parreira rolls his eyes and reaches for his antihypertensive medication)
Roberto Carlos: Boss, do I have to come back and defend too? (Parreira takes another dose)


ITALY
Lippi (to Del Piero): Alex, you're out.
Del Piero: Why boss? Why?
Lippi: Who told you to get your head shaved? Now you make us look like a soccer team. I think thats why we lost the sponsorship of Dolce and Gabbana. You are a disgrace to Italian modelling..er..football
Luca Toni: Boss, can I start?
Lippi: Yeah, you're a good lookin lad, why not?
Iaquinta: And me, boss?
Lippi: On the bench. We cant defy tradition by starting with two out and out strikers son.

PORTUGAL(in a training session)
Scolari(blows whistle): OK boys, thats enough football for today. Time for simulation training.
Team, in unison: Yay!
Scolari: Right boys, lets see all of you dive in the penalty area and sucker the ref
Figo: Been doing this for 20 years, I'm the best diver in the world.
Deco: I suckered 10 refs in the Champions League this year
C. Ronaldo: Yes. but I can get people sent off...
Pauleta: Ya, lets get a penalty. No other way I can get a goal..


ARGENTINA
Pekerman makes a complicated diagram on the board which looks somewhat like the Argentinian Airlines Flight chart out of Buenos Aires and says "Got it boys?". Everyone slowly turns their head towards Riquelme who lazily nods and says "Yeah, sure". The next day the team scores six, and composes a 24 pass symphony that will be imprinted on our memories for decades to come. Truly, one of the greatest goals of all time.