Breaking News?

These days 2 out of every 3 channels on TV is a news channel. The other one is usually in some south Indian language i cant fathom. (So it might just as well be a news channel too, but i doubt any self respecting, or even non-self respecting news channels would have their anchors semi nude dancing in the rain).

"Infotainment" seems to be the mantra these days, and new news channels are cropping up everyday-my cablewallah has already cut 5 sports channels down to two..its kind of like an "And then there were none" scenario, but i hope to have moved out by the time that happens (see my last post for more painful details).

My favorite(sic) news channel on TV these days is star news, primarily because of their tenacity. They can stick to one story for days on end, and their anchors never seem to tire of repeating themselves. Another reason I like them are the colourful titles of their programmes and headlines. (They actually have a programme titled "Match ke mujrim" which is aired every day that India plays a cricket match-win or lose, and has 2-3 "wise" men who comment on the days play, and a host of junta who really dont have anything better to do- not to mention the thousands of people who actually sms and vote for the mujrim of the day!Also aired is a programme called "Sansani" who's host is quite an eyeful-and earful. Could work as a modern day Gabbar-"bete so jao, nahi to papa sansani laga denge")

The most overrated over-hyped channel is the garish and ostentatious TIMES NOW, where Arnab Goswami appears to be a bemused journalist surrounded by wannabe starlets who probably spend more time in the make up room than celina jaitley and kareena kapoor. All this channel seems to care about is grabbing the credit("First on times now", "We have original proof", blah blah), and here every bulletin is an expose. Its like a child desperate for attention in a room full of adults.

It doesnt really take much to start a news channel, I guess. I mean, the last thing you actually need is NEWS. All you need , apart from the technical equipment and the capital, is a bunch of people who know some rudimentary english(They may even be call center rejects, anything goes), and a few well known people who like coming on TV to air their views. So if any newscaster is reading this and is in a spot of bother because the story he /she is covering regarding th spat between Sharmaji and Vermaji of Geeta Colony lacks a certain pizzazz, they should consider inviting the following people to comment:

1.Mr Mahesh Bhatt - This is one man who has an opinion on everything, from Parveen Babi to Abu Salem, from the tsunami to the football world cup. And in case he is unavailable (a hitherto unheard of scenario), his daughter Pooja can do just as well. Plus his recent fixation with Pakistan(Meera, just abt every Paki music band around) gives him the right to comment on the "padosi mulq" and "videshi taqats" as well.

2.Any ex-cricketer - Any cricketer who has played more than 0 matches for India can be invited to give his expert comments. Here we are spoilt for choices-Atul Wassan, S. Ramesh, Ashok Malhotra, Kirti Azad, Maninder Singh(the last three named actually host possibly the most entertaining cricket show on TV, I forget which channel- During the entire Ganguly-Chappel controversy, they had an episode in which they laid the blame for it all squarely on the shoulders of John Wright!!!!)

3. Navjot Singh Sidhu- Yes, I can hear many of you saying,"but he's an ex-cricketer too..". But surely, his realm is wider than that, and he deserves special mention. Cricketer, commentator, MP, Judge of stand up comedy, TV soap star( for the uninitiated, Mr Sidhu is playing GOD in a soap on TV-no kidding, i've seen the ads). The man has an opinion on just about everything. But the correspondent must be aware of the risks associated with him. Mostly, the fact that he doesnt stop talking once he starts, and that can pretty much throw your show way out of synch. Another risk being that he WILL say a lot of stuff that wont make sense(or wont make any sense to you, i.e, he will leave you as clueless as a child in a topless bar) but he'll say it with such melodrama, that it becomes a good sound byte. If nothing else he will just guffaw, slap the table and say "o, bas kar yaar, chakde phatte!!"

4.Ms Arundhati Roy - Although her appearances are limited compared to the prolific mahesh bhatt, she is still very much available for "social" causes, for example, if the spat was over sharing of water or disposal of garbage. Shobha De can also be invited, but if the quarrel took place in Vasant Vihar or Golf Links, definitely not in Geeta Colony.

5.Dr Jitendra Nagpal - a well known psychiatrist(these guys of course are paid to have opinions and insights on everything-what a job!). He can be an able substitute or add-on in case the story is a bit bigger ("How do u think Vermaji's kids are going to be affected by the quarrel? can you give us some insight into how this might have happened?). I have a feeling his clinic is somewhere close to the offices of aajtak and star news.

So if you hate your job, or know someone who's in need of one, pass them these tips.

Is bulletin me bas itna hi..