Driving Me Crazy

Just a few days back I was returning from a friends place at around 3 in the morning. On my way home i realized that my favorite time for driving on the capital's streets is around 3AM. Thats the time when you get the perfect mix of the half-asleep traffic cops(thullas/maamus-take your pick), virtually no traffic and an absence of signals. The disadvantages of this ungodly hour include a significantly added risk(for the above reasons, precisely) and an exceptionally large contingent of stray canines, which may not bother the more privileged of you who have four wheels under your posterior, but can give hell to bikers like me.

Driving in Delhi can be quite a harrowing experience. The cause is not helped by a populace for whom road rage is somewhat of a sport, the climes which can drive a sane man to climbing walls, and the pollution which makes us want to spend the least amount of time going from A to B. Throw into the cauldron some of the choicest driving styles in the world, and its bubbling over, ready to explode. Let me elaborate what I mean when I say "driving styles", and you will certainly identify with some of them. These are some of the more infuriating of them:

1. Auto-pilot: This is an auto-wallah who was born to do just one job-block your path-and by God, he does it sedulously. He will very diligently stop you from overtaking, and will drive well below the speed limit. He does not respond to honking, dippers, shouting or middle fingers. This vehicle is in more ways than one, on 'auto-pilot'.

2. Van's the man: Usually the realm of maruti van drivers, now being encroached upon by Qualis, Sumo, and the like(thank you, BPOs). These guys are in a real hurry, and seem pretty pissed at life in general. They will do the zig-zagging, honking and flashing of dippers. Warning: DO NOT try the middle finger - These guys are usually spoiling for a fight.

3.The Sorry Lorry: This is the truck which has 10 times its own weight loaded on it. It creaks. It cant stay straight, and is horribly tilted to one side. He wants to let you pass, but just isnt able to. These chaps are quite amenable to overtaking, but DO NOT allow yourself to be overtaken by them, as overtaking just one vehicle is often their ambition for the night. You could spend the next 20 miles trying to get past them.

4.Dhoom machale: Souped up bikes, even silly ones like Passion. With sillier still brake horns (weird tunes playing everytime they brake). From Dhoom to Vengaboyz, they have it all. These guys know no rules, indeed have no rules, wear no helmets, often drive with 3 people riding, and even use their cellphones while driving their bikes. My advice: Dont bother overtaking them, just let them pass. There's a high enough probability of them ramming into the divider or barrier anyways. Back the odds.

5. Hamara Bajaj: A family of 3,4 or even 5 can be spotted riding the trusty family scooter. Easy to overtake, but beware of sudden swerving as chunnu standing in front of his papa might decide to move all of a sudden, aunty might decide to shift her weight a bit, or uncle might just have turned halfway around in order to shout a sweet nothing into aunty's ear.

6. Horny Buggers: If you havent guessed already, this is the guy who is 10 feet away from a red light and always honks as soon as it turns green. Sometimes even before it turns green. He is the ideal recipient for the finger. Or better still, do what I sometimes do-as the light turns green, dont start your car, and as his honks grow louder, just turn around, give him a smile and then show him the finger. Far more fun this way.

Well, thats my top six, in no particular order of course. I'm sure all of us have our own personal favorites (I welcome inputs, ladies and gentlemen). So, till we meet again, keep your seat belt fastened, drive safe and keep that middle finger safely in its holster.